Tuesday, July 19, 2005

9:16 PM// Grown women say "retard"

I was watching the President's address this evening concerning the naming of the next Supreme Court Justice Roberts while cleaning up the kitchen a bit. PBS apparently only carried it on their HDTV channel, so I had to switch to a snowy CBS broadcast ("why watch what everyone else is watching?"). The moment the briefing ended I expected anchors seated about a news desk to discuss the implications of the new choice, Roberts' decision record, his stance on abortion, etc. Instead, CBS immediately returned to whatever program they had interrupted to bring us the 8 minute EXTRAORDINARY POLITICAL NEWS, and before I could make it to the remote, I was tuned into some reality show concerning a group of insecure 30 year old sorority girls and shallow frat boys, literally parading around in front of sunbathing women flexing their muscles.

The panel of women were discussing the implications of their newly obtained "veto power", presumably some democratic method of removing a male contestant. All the women were blonde, and all spoke with an interesting rhythm of raising the pitch of their voice on every other word, like, ya know? I didn't know people really spoke like that outside of middle school. And the blondest of them actually used the phrase, "she's a retard", referring to her teammates' compassion for the male she was casting a vote against.

Moments after the retard comment, I learned that owning a Kia Sportage would make my life fundamentally better, Arm & Hammer baking soda employs magical power crystals that whisk away odor ogres to the magical land of Narnia, Ranch salad dressing apparently has some frightening neurological side effects inducing hallucinations that make you think you're sitting in the middle of a field, and I can't live without at least 200 channels of television at my disposal.

And with that I leave you to return to my book concerning an adventure across Borneo.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

1:15 PM// Great moments in acquisition

"Swing away, Merrill; swing away."
Signs
Graham Hess, realizing all the unfortunate "random events" in his life have coalesced into a convenient, "miraculous" situation that implies a higher power is indeed watching over him and his family. His late wife's dying breath "Tell Graham: see, swing away, Merrill", is in fact not the result of random nerve firings, but an important message that only makes sense in the context of total catastrophe.
"He is the one."
The Matrix
Morpheus, after Neo rises from the dead, confirming Morpheus' life's quest to discover the one, thus saving humanity, was not in vain.
"Fire at will!"
Star Trek: Nemesis
Captain Picard, upon learning the position of Shinzon's ship through the power of Troy's telepathy, and is not, as commonly thought, referring to his first officer.
"That's not true; that's impossible!"
Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
Luke Skywalker, after searching his feelings to confirm Darth Vader is indeed his father.
"It works! I've finally invented something that works!"
Back to the Future
Emmett "Doc" Brown, after learning that despite enduring decades of failed inventions, eventually he will invent a working time machine, out of a DeLorean.
"A strange game; the only winning move is not to play."
War Games
Joshua, a program designed to play a series of nuclear warfare simulation "games" running on the WOPR (War Operations Plan and Response), a computer that controls the entire arsenal of ICBMs in the United States, upon learning that the best way to "play" a nuclear warfare game is not to, something Joshua learns in a matter of days while his human counterparts still haven't figured it out.
"Mr. McKittrick, after careful consideration, sir, I've come to the conclusion that your new defense system sucks."
War Games
General Jack Beringer, providing analysis of the WOPR (see above) just before Joshua reaches his decision about the futility of war and is on a seemingly irreversible path to plunge the World into a nuclear holocaust by launching every ICBM in the United States towards Russia in standard total annihilation fashion, not being able to understand the difference between a computer simulation and the real world. This confirms the General's earlier misgivings about entrusting the safety of the nation to "some silicon diode."
"I am Tyler Durden."
Fight Club
Tyler Durden, upon learning that he and his alter terrorist ego, are in fact the same person.
"They're using our own satellites against us, and the clock is ticking."
Independence Day
David Levinson, revealing to the President irrefutable proof of the aliens' hostile intent in the form of a simple countdown.
"You've found the primer?!"
Contact
Dr. Elenoire Arroway, realizing Mr. Hadden has discovered the coveted "primer", the key to decoding the alien message, possibly facilitated by his creating the message in the first place.

Friday, July 01, 2005

8:09 PM// We like to drink

Apparently, my coworkers and I enjoy a good drink, now and then. Today we visited "Firebird's" - a Rocky Mountain themed grill/bar - for lunch. It was yummy and all, but everyone got a drink, so I did too (they were most impressed with my unprompted ordering of an 'extra dry, dirty Sapphire martini'. So I've earned the respect and admiration of my coworkers through alcohol, so what? Then we went on to have several rounds of shots, followed by a return to work. Most enjoyable. I had to work late just to be sure I could drive home safely -- just kidding.