Tuesday, July 19, 2005

9:16 PM// Grown women say "retard"

I was watching the President's address this evening concerning the naming of the next Supreme Court Justice Roberts while cleaning up the kitchen a bit. PBS apparently only carried it on their HDTV channel, so I had to switch to a snowy CBS broadcast ("why watch what everyone else is watching?"). The moment the briefing ended I expected anchors seated about a news desk to discuss the implications of the new choice, Roberts' decision record, his stance on abortion, etc. Instead, CBS immediately returned to whatever program they had interrupted to bring us the 8 minute EXTRAORDINARY POLITICAL NEWS, and before I could make it to the remote, I was tuned into some reality show concerning a group of insecure 30 year old sorority girls and shallow frat boys, literally parading around in front of sunbathing women flexing their muscles.

The panel of women were discussing the implications of their newly obtained "veto power", presumably some democratic method of removing a male contestant. All the women were blonde, and all spoke with an interesting rhythm of raising the pitch of their voice on every other word, like, ya know? I didn't know people really spoke like that outside of middle school. And the blondest of them actually used the phrase, "she's a retard", referring to her teammates' compassion for the male she was casting a vote against.

Moments after the retard comment, I learned that owning a Kia Sportage would make my life fundamentally better, Arm & Hammer baking soda employs magical power crystals that whisk away odor ogres to the magical land of Narnia, Ranch salad dressing apparently has some frightening neurological side effects inducing hallucinations that make you think you're sitting in the middle of a field, and I can't live without at least 200 channels of television at my disposal.

And with that I leave you to return to my book concerning an adventure across Borneo.


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